In the months that have followed my daughter's death, I found that all the little mechanical, or even remotely mechanical (requires the dexterity of a third grader) things that used to irritate me no longer did. Instead of escalating blood pressure, an instant recognition of how petty the mishap helped to prevent the usual verbal and/or physical response.
That was until about two weeks ago. I've mentioned my ongoing struggle with depression, and the start of this latest bout was a physical awareness that something was happening. Then the split-second anger started. After that, an overwhelming feeling of apathy.
Being a Catholic, suicide is not an option, but I did something in church this morning that I have never done before. I knelt, and I prayed that God would strike me dead as I knelt in prayer. This was no passing whim, it was a heart felt desire to escape pain. Other than church the past two Sundays, I haven't left my house, and very seldom my bedroom. If you don't make friends or get to know people, you don't get hurt.
I've lost track, but I think it's 16-17 funerals in 18 months. You probably know better than I, since I know I've mentioned it on this blog before.
I have 3 children remaining, 4 grandchildren, friends and other family, a Fortune 500 company that has supported me and co-workers who have treated me like family - yet I could care less if I ever woke up tomorrow. I even took a few extra anti-depressants this morning just to make sure I didn't feel anything in church.
I'll spare you all the details, but family, friends, and other church members stepped in today to help me. It didn't really strike me until now, but I guess it was an "intervention", albeit a spiritual one. Then I spent much of the afternoon at the Emergency Room at Lewis County General and was only released because I promised the doctor, and my family, that I would go to Watertown tomorrow and admit myself for help. Don't worry, I'm not driving!
I don't know how many others have written on the web about what depression has done to their lives, but I hope to accomplish two things:
1.) Look back at some point in the future and realize what, if anything, has changed in my life.
2.) By this and other stories I can share, if it helps even one person trying to deal with depression, then it is worthwhile.
If you've experienced it and overcome it, if you're going through it, or if you are a family member who's had to deal with it and have insights you can share for other family members, please feel free to share your stories here. You can remain anonymous if you like, and I don't censor any posts - so feel free.
Since I'm not exactly sure what will transpire over the next few days, I have no idea when I'll be able to post again, but I will bring pencil and paper and do it the old fashioned way if need be. For all I know, they may only give me crayons.
For those of you who pray, your prayers are appreciated. My agnostic and atheist friends may send their healing auras in my direction, the essence of your auras are greatly appreciated.
If you're a liberal, you know there's no hope for sanity on my part, so just remember that your mother taught you that if you can't pray for something nice, don't pray for anything at all. I can't get into the specific definition or limitations of "nice" at this point, because I still don't know what "is", "is".
Who says you can't be crazy and have fun at the same time? Now where did I place that cuckoo's nest?
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9 comments:
Bro, you know that I know what you're going through. For those of you who read this and may not know, I too lost a daughter, just one month after my brother lost his. And though I have had waves of grief that I sometimes thought would never pass, I have not battled the deprssion that you have, so I have no magic words of wisdom, only an expression of heartfelt love and support. Anything, and I mean anything that I can do, you know I will do, all you have to do is say the word. In the mean time know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. Get well, there is still music to be played, songs to be written and help to given, by you, to others in need. Like me. I can't afford the guitar lessons so you're gonna have to give 'em to me for free. I NEED YOU. And I love you man.
Hope you find peace and help Ben.
Many of us are touched by your reaching out for help and to help others. It is a long, hard road to travel and even if you feel alone you have many family, friends and prayers to help you. Just by writing on this blog you are helping others. None of us can truly feel what you have and are going through but many of us will keep you in our prayers.
ben,
you are not alone. depression seems epidemic. I too have been thinking of seeking help of some kind, but its not economicaly possible. I hope all goes well ffor you, keep us all posted if u wish, but remember all that is posted to www is there forever.
i'll pray for you.
I don't know you except by keyboard. You are read and appreciated everyday.
It makes my anal sphincter spasm a tad when your Rush comes out. And I think you probably enjoy that reaction on my part. As to the 'condition' please read my daughter's book WHAT YOU MUST THINK OF ME. You aren't alone and there is help. If you want to talk my email is watertownwizards@yahoo.com
Danger Democrat
Well, now you've made me call in the Flying Methodist Monkeys. You'll be on the prayer lists of churches from Averill Park to Sebastian. I'm glad to know that Snoopy still steps up to the plate. Your pals in the tribe are pulling for you as well. Even the retired braves.
I have a neighbor who is 92 and very depressed about the ravages of age. Saturday she asked if I was going to church the next day. I told her I was and she asked me to pray that God would take her. I offered her up in prayer in church Sunday. Stopped by her house that afternoon. She was still alive AND she had won $100 on a scratch off lottery ticket. The law of unintended consequences?
On a serious note, Ben, I second your Brothers last line.
Update:
First let me thank all of you who have posted such kind thoughts, words of support and encouragement and your prayers. We are all deeply moved by your support.
Ben did check in to the hospital yesterday. It was not an easy thing to do and took a great deal of courage. It was an answer to prayer and again, I thank all of you who have kept my brother in your prayers. I am very optimistic now that the first step has been taken. That first step is always the hardest to take.
I will keep posting to Ben's site to update whats going on as more information becomes available until Ben resumes posting his own unique brand of verbal badinage.
Come on Wataon...
write something...
We libs need to hear from you
Update:
Your bombastic defender of all things RIGHT will hopefully be back soon and up to his old annoying banter before you can say Rush Limbaugh. I talked to him today and though he has a way to go, he is improving. My dad went to the hospital and talked to him tonight and said he was much improved. I'm sure as soon as he has access to his computer he will be back and have plenty to say. And though the goal here is an improved overall mental outlook on life, don't expect any miracles. I don't think you'll see him wearing an 'I Love Hillary' button any time soon. Thanks again for all your posts of support.
Coming from a family member that knows that sometimes it's family that can cause you the most pain, wanting to die and doing it are two different things!!! I myself have felt that I would be better off in heaven with my parents and other family. Depression is a funny (not so funny) thing, it does keep you inside. Inside your house, inside your bedroom and inside yourself. But somewhere deep inside yourself you have what I have and that is a part of your Mother like I have a part of mine. So try and connect yourself to that part and ask yourself what would Cl_ _ _ want me to do? I know what my mom would want me to do, and for the most part I try to do it. Take time and let yourself heal, you can't get over deaths and other things in your life overnight. It takes a long time, and sometimes it's a painful road, but you have to take it. You will get better and be a better person. Just know that there are people that care about you and your family, and people that are going through things just like you are that don't have the courage to go anywhere for help. (maybe I'm one of them?) I try to get my help the way I know how. You get yours your way and good luck!!!!!
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