Stuff

If you visit this website often, you've come to understand that you'll never know for sure just what you're opening yourself up to. The hoi poloi would call it eclectic, but I prefer to think of it just plain stuff:

BATTLE OF THE SEXES

From my friend in India, Sashi Shetty, come these responses for women to use when the male of the species is involved in instinctual behavior. For you gentlemen who feel I've crossed the line and switched sides - lighten up - you'll get some eventually:

He: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

She: Yes - that's why I don't go there anymore.


He: Is this seat empty?

She: Yes - and so will this one be if you sit down.


He: So, what do you do for a living?

She: I'm a female impersonator.


He: Hey baby, what's your sign?

She: Do not enter!


He: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?

She: Nah - just plain bad luck.


He: Where have you been all my life?

She: Hiding from you!


He: I think I could make you very happy.

She: Why? Are you leaving?


He: I'm a photographer and I've been looking for a face like yours!

She: I'm a plastic surgeon and I've been looking for a face like yours!


He: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?

She: Nothing! I can't laugh and talk at the same time.

There were more retorts than that, but come to think of it, they really don't need all that much help do they?


SO I'M SPASTIC - BIG DEAL

I joined an on-line group run by a man named Noor, because a post of his, with a quote from the Q'ran, came through in another of my groups. Much of the material that comes through is in Arabic, but there's enough in English to keep it interesting. I'm not sure where the guy that posted this is from, but I believe he's from Indonesia somewhere:

This is so funny it will boggle your mind. And, you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!

1.) While sitting down, raise your right foot up off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.

2.) Now, while doing this, draw the number 6 in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction!

I told you so . . . and there is nothing you can do about it.

While not an ardent proponent of the old saw "you can't teach an old dog new tricks", in this particular circumstance I did not bother trying the entire routine more than 5 times. I'm willing to take his word that I can't outsmart my foot, and I don't care to sit around and provide the empirical data that confirms I'm spastic - just like the rest of mankind.

I CAN'T WAIT TO GET OLD

For the most part, you won't find me saying that too often, other than the fact that I prefer aging to a dirt nap. There are some things that will change with aging; some of the changes are actually a revival of actions normally associated with the very young. Translation: You can get away with stuff because they think you're old and nutty. Herewith, a slightly adult joke that illustrates this point:

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and as he approached the desk, the receptionist said:

"Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

... and eventually, you get to wear diapers again - who said that God doesn't have a sense of humor?