Get Your Green Hands Off My Steak!

The Rubicon has been crossed - there is no going back now. I have tried to keep an open mind about global warming, and perhaps I would have been more inclined to take AlGore seriously had he kept the beard he grew after losing the election. In fact, if he had gone with the Noah look from "Evan Almighty", I might have considered him a prophet crying out in the desert. But Al shaved, became a movie mogul, made some green and still jets around the world, dumping more crap into the atmosphere then you or I will dump in our lifetimes.

The real problem with this global-warming-we-are-the-scourge-of-the-earth scare is that up to this point, half the greenies seem content to just run around like Chicken Little, while the other half dream up idiotic carbon-credit schemes that do nothing other than green their bank accounts. While that suits me just fine, because they don't accomplish anything, and I'll never buy a carbon credit as long as I live, I have just found a story that scares the cholesterol right out of my blood.

The following is a quote from a paper in England:

Eating beef ' is less green than driving'
Last Updated: 2:59am BST 19/07/2007

Producing 2.2lb of beef generates as much greenhouse gas as driving a car non-stop for three hours, it was claimed yesterday. Japanese scientists used a range of data to calculate the environmental impact of a single purchase of beef. Taking into account all the processes involved, they said, four average sized steaks generated greenhouse gases with a warming potential equivalent to 80.25lb of carbon dioxide. This also consumed 169 megajoules of energy.

That means that 2.2lb of beef is responsible for greenhouse gas emissions which have the same effect as the carbon dioxide released by an ordinary car travelling at 50 miles per hour for 155 miles, a journey lasting three hours. The amount of energy consumed would light a 100-watt bulb for 20 days. Most of the greenhouse gas emissions are in the form of methane released from the animals' digestive systems, New Scientist magazine reported."

When you start pooping on my porterhouse, roughing up my round steak, trashing my tenderloins, spitting on my strip steak, or f***ing with my filet, it's time to draw a line in the sand!

I can see it now - as a life-long vegetarian, Paul McCartney will be elected President of the UN in order to save the world and have us all poop green for the next two thousand years.

Instead of turning us all into veggie-mans, let's put our American creativity and know-how to work and figure out a way to turn this to our advantage. Instead of the straight-line layout you see on these large farms, we need to use a circular setup. 100 cows surrounding a metal holding tank with hoses shoved up their - you know - to capture the gas and other materials. The methane separates from the solids and liquids, methane for energy, and the other stuff for fertilizer. We can do the Bovine-Depends as a stop-gap measure, but don't forget about the sheep and other domesticated animals. As far as the wild animals go, I guess it's about time we found out if a bear does s*** in the woods - damned planet contaminator. Come to think of it, diapering a Kodiak is a job I could trust Hillary with . . . heh, heh, heh . . .

Arise fellow meat-eaters. Whether your a tartar man, or a nitwit that likes it well done, you're still a steak-lover and that's what counts. Don't let the PC green-meanies take away your right to clogged arteries, your freedom to use as much bernaise sauce as you want, and by golly, if you want your meat wrapped in bacon, well pardner, life just doesn't get any better than that. So stand tall, drink your milk like your Momma told you to, and if you have to be a vegetarian, don't think your s*** doesn't stink - it still does.