Get Your Green Hands Off My Steak!

The Rubicon has been crossed - there is no going back now. I have tried to keep an open mind about global warming, and perhaps I would have been more inclined to take AlGore seriously had he kept the beard he grew after losing the election. In fact, if he had gone with the Noah look from "Evan Almighty", I might have considered him a prophet crying out in the desert. But Al shaved, became a movie mogul, made some green and still jets around the world, dumping more crap into the atmosphere then you or I will dump in our lifetimes.

The real problem with this global-warming-we-are-the-scourge-of-the-earth scare is that up to this point, half the greenies seem content to just run around like Chicken Little, while the other half dream up idiotic carbon-credit schemes that do nothing other than green their bank accounts. While that suits me just fine, because they don't accomplish anything, and I'll never buy a carbon credit as long as I live, I have just found a story that scares the cholesterol right out of my blood.

The following is a quote from a paper in England:

Eating beef ' is less green than driving'
Last Updated: 2:59am BST 19/07/2007

Producing 2.2lb of beef generates as much greenhouse gas as driving a car non-stop for three hours, it was claimed yesterday. Japanese scientists used a range of data to calculate the environmental impact of a single purchase of beef. Taking into account all the processes involved, they said, four average sized steaks generated greenhouse gases with a warming potential equivalent to 80.25lb of carbon dioxide. This also consumed 169 megajoules of energy.

That means that 2.2lb of beef is responsible for greenhouse gas emissions which have the same effect as the carbon dioxide released by an ordinary car travelling at 50 miles per hour for 155 miles, a journey lasting three hours. The amount of energy consumed would light a 100-watt bulb for 20 days. Most of the greenhouse gas emissions are in the form of methane released from the animals' digestive systems, New Scientist magazine reported."

When you start pooping on my porterhouse, roughing up my round steak, trashing my tenderloins, spitting on my strip steak, or f***ing with my filet, it's time to draw a line in the sand!

I can see it now - as a life-long vegetarian, Paul McCartney will be elected President of the UN in order to save the world and have us all poop green for the next two thousand years.

Instead of turning us all into veggie-mans, let's put our American creativity and know-how to work and figure out a way to turn this to our advantage. Instead of the straight-line layout you see on these large farms, we need to use a circular setup. 100 cows surrounding a metal holding tank with hoses shoved up their - you know - to capture the gas and other materials. The methane separates from the solids and liquids, methane for energy, and the other stuff for fertilizer. We can do the Bovine-Depends as a stop-gap measure, but don't forget about the sheep and other domesticated animals. As far as the wild animals go, I guess it's about time we found out if a bear does s*** in the woods - damned planet contaminator. Come to think of it, diapering a Kodiak is a job I could trust Hillary with . . . heh, heh, heh . . .

Arise fellow meat-eaters. Whether your a tartar man, or a nitwit that likes it well done, you're still a steak-lover and that's what counts. Don't let the PC green-meanies take away your right to clogged arteries, your freedom to use as much bernaise sauce as you want, and by golly, if you want your meat wrapped in bacon, well pardner, life just doesn't get any better than that. So stand tall, drink your milk like your Momma told you to, and if you have to be a vegetarian, don't think your s*** doesn't stink - it still does.

Carbon Credits For Sale

In my sincere effort to promote greenness, especially in terms of my bank account, I am today announcing my new program: Watson in the Adirondack's Carbon Credits for Krazy You = WACCKY

Now you can get the Hummer you've always wanted and you don't have to worry about what you're shooting into the air.

Now you can fly anywhere to collect your Hollywood awards without having to do those silly things like riding in a bio-fueled car after all of your cross-continent, private jet trips.

Simply send any amount of money commensurate with your guilt, and I'll assuage your eco-conscience by doing the following:

* 0 - $100: You're not feeling enough guilt yet, so I'm only going to meditate on your behalf, sending all my positive energy to you. This will help save the planet anyway, because all the time I spend meditating is that much less time I'll be spending driving my 8 cylinder chariot.

* $101 - $500: You're starting to feel a little guilty, but you're not Hollywood material yet. At this level of credit, I have made arrangements with the local 4H clubs to purchase CFF's in bulk quantities, so we have enough to meet the anticipated demand. CFF's - Cow Fart Filters, are not as effective as the old BB's (Bovine Bungs), but Elsie says the ladies prefer the CFF's - less intrusive. Our crack Research & Development folks are working on a new project that shows great promise: BBB's, or Big Bear Bungs. Although not as plentiful as other species, we are pursuing this effort for informational purposes as well. In the future we'll be presenting a detailed, scientific report that finally answers that age old question: Does a bear s*** in the woods? We're still working on the insertion procedure.

* $501 - $1,000: At this level, you're probably dealing with other guilt issues in conjunction with your eco-mania. Not only will we plant a Weeping Willow in your honor, but we'll send you, at no additional cost, including those sneaky "shipping and handling charges", a copy of Hillary Clinton's "It Takes A Village", and whatever book Dr. Phil currently has on the market. Don't forget to take your meds.

* $1,001 - $10,000: Sending this kind of money assures us that you don't shop at WalMart like the rest of us do. We'll plant 5 Weeping Willows, 4 White Pines, 3 Norwegian Maples, 2 Great Oaks and 1 Lilac Bush, and then we'll buy Sprawl-Mart lawn signs and give them away at Sheryl Caw-Caw Crow concerts, along with an autographed, single sheet of toilet paper.

$10,001 - Infinity: You're my kind of folks. You'll get the meditation, the CFF's, the BBB's, all the flora and fauna you can fathom, the books, the Sprawl Mart signs, the Sheryl Caw-Caw Crow autographed sheet of toilet paper (quilted is extra), and a special feature that will set you apart from your neighbors. WACCKY will pay all of the legal fees associated with your name change, so that you can become an Al-Gore too, or three, or four - the sooner you sign up, the lower your number. Just imagine being introduced in the future: "Ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure to introduce Al-Gore MMVII!" (Roman numerals are extra) Without opening your mouth, people will automatically know who you are and what you stand for. As a added bonus, the first 500 Al-Gore's will get a special CD that includes Linda Ronstadt's newest single, "The Lemming Lullaby".

Make your contribution to a better world today and send ungodly amounts of money to me at:

WWACKY
Attn: Johnny Daniels
1 Bourbon Lane
Watson NY OICU812

(If I had the technical expertise required, you would have been listening to Paul Simon's "Call Me Al" while reading this post, so just back up to the start, hear the song in your head, and then start reading all over again. If you actually did this and are back at this point for the 2nd time, stop now and go on with your life, but don't forget to sign my guest book - you're someone special!)