Carbon Credits For Sale

In my sincere effort to promote greenness, especially in terms of my bank account, I am today announcing my new program: Watson in the Adirondack's Carbon Credits for Krazy You = WACCKY

Now you can get the Hummer you've always wanted and you don't have to worry about what you're shooting into the air.

Now you can fly anywhere to collect your Hollywood awards without having to do those silly things like riding in a bio-fueled car after all of your cross-continent, private jet trips.

Simply send any amount of money commensurate with your guilt, and I'll assuage your eco-conscience by doing the following:

* 0 - $100: You're not feeling enough guilt yet, so I'm only going to meditate on your behalf, sending all my positive energy to you. This will help save the planet anyway, because all the time I spend meditating is that much less time I'll be spending driving my 8 cylinder chariot.

* $101 - $500: You're starting to feel a little guilty, but you're not Hollywood material yet. At this level of credit, I have made arrangements with the local 4H clubs to purchase CFF's in bulk quantities, so we have enough to meet the anticipated demand. CFF's - Cow Fart Filters, are not as effective as the old BB's (Bovine Bungs), but Elsie says the ladies prefer the CFF's - less intrusive. Our crack Research & Development folks are working on a new project that shows great promise: BBB's, or Big Bear Bungs. Although not as plentiful as other species, we are pursuing this effort for informational purposes as well. In the future we'll be presenting a detailed, scientific report that finally answers that age old question: Does a bear s*** in the woods? We're still working on the insertion procedure.

* $501 - $1,000: At this level, you're probably dealing with other guilt issues in conjunction with your eco-mania. Not only will we plant a Weeping Willow in your honor, but we'll send you, at no additional cost, including those sneaky "shipping and handling charges", a copy of Hillary Clinton's "It Takes A Village", and whatever book Dr. Phil currently has on the market. Don't forget to take your meds.

* $1,001 - $10,000: Sending this kind of money assures us that you don't shop at WalMart like the rest of us do. We'll plant 5 Weeping Willows, 4 White Pines, 3 Norwegian Maples, 2 Great Oaks and 1 Lilac Bush, and then we'll buy Sprawl-Mart lawn signs and give them away at Sheryl Caw-Caw Crow concerts, along with an autographed, single sheet of toilet paper.

$10,001 - Infinity: You're my kind of folks. You'll get the meditation, the CFF's, the BBB's, all the flora and fauna you can fathom, the books, the Sprawl Mart signs, the Sheryl Caw-Caw Crow autographed sheet of toilet paper (quilted is extra), and a special feature that will set you apart from your neighbors. WACCKY will pay all of the legal fees associated with your name change, so that you can become an Al-Gore too, or three, or four - the sooner you sign up, the lower your number. Just imagine being introduced in the future: "Ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure to introduce Al-Gore MMVII!" (Roman numerals are extra) Without opening your mouth, people will automatically know who you are and what you stand for. As a added bonus, the first 500 Al-Gore's will get a special CD that includes Linda Ronstadt's newest single, "The Lemming Lullaby".

Make your contribution to a better world today and send ungodly amounts of money to me at:

WWACKY
Attn: Johnny Daniels
1 Bourbon Lane
Watson NY OICU812

(If I had the technical expertise required, you would have been listening to Paul Simon's "Call Me Al" while reading this post, so just back up to the start, hear the song in your head, and then start reading all over again. If you actually did this and are back at this point for the 2nd time, stop now and go on with your life, but don't forget to sign my guest book - you're someone special!)