The Political Season is Open

A year and a half from voting, and we were just treated to our first televised debate last evening. Not that I watched it, but the 8 Democratic contenders met to have a go at each other. Each of the 8 candidates flew to the debate in private, chartered jets, so there are some big-ass carbon footprints in the sky over South Carolina and the East Coast this morning - but I digress.

What in the world is going on here? Last evening was the first debate, but let's face it, the primary really began after last November's elections. I don't know about you, but I feel this is absolutely ridiculous and a waste of time and money. My guess is most people would feel a lot better if the election were held tomorrow, some because it would mean they no longer had to listen to George Bush, and others because it would mean we had a couple weeks off before the next political season began.

After having given it some serious thought, here are some constitutional amendments that I'd like to propose in order to simplify our election process and give the electorate a break from the incessant caterwauling of politicians:

TIME LIMITS: 2 weeks - that's it! We already know what they all stand for, and if you haven't picked out the losers just by watching their day-to-day activities, you're not paying close enough attention. The 2 week time limit also applies to reporters: They can't ask anything remotely related to election politics until the 2 week time period has begun. If you have laws, you must have consequences:

Politico's: Any mention of running for office, prior to the 2 week period, and you can't run - period. Not being able to run for office would probably be enough punishment, but just in case we need to reinforce the point, anyone found guilty will be forced to watch 200 hours of "The View" reruns, the ones with Rosie, so they can clearly see what happens when a horse's ass tries to vocalize.

Journalist: TV, radio, print, even bloggers - anyone that even has a remote reference to election politics will be forced to sit in a corner, wearing a dunce cap, while watching Dan Rather and and anyone from the NY Times discuss integrity and journalism - two mutually exclusive concepts in their world. Additionally, after serving their 24 hours in the corner, they will prohibited from discussing their experience in any fashion for at least 2 years. Since the sound of their own voices is all they're really interested in, this will be the greater punishment, and the 2 year time period will assure us that even when they do start to speak, after 2 years, no one will care what they have to say - the coup de grace.

LAW LIMITS: This is a concept totally alien to any politician; here's how it works: Once elected, a politician is not allowed to propose any law until the following conditions have been met:

1.) A politician may not propose any new legislation until they have served at least half of their term. For the newly elected, this will give them ample time to find out who the best lobbyists are, who throws the best parties, and who's ass they have to kiss before they can send some pork back home to the folks that elected them. If the elected party is a repeat offender (they got re-elected), the ban is extended to the last 2 weeks of their term. Since they have already begun the process of lining their pockets, they should concentrate on their retirement funding. This will assure us that once corrupted, they only have a couple of weeks to try and pay back their pimps. Google Mark Rich to see how Bubba handled his last two weeks in office.

2.) What if legislation is immediately required and everyone is a newly elected representative? Simple, for every new law they feel must be immediately implemented, they have to take ten laws off the books. Eventually, we'll be back down to the Ten Commandments, which is where we should have stayed in the first place. Additional benefits from this legislation include:

A. Fewer lawyers - probably more important than anything else. Just once, wouldn't you like to see them make life simpler, instead of creating words and concepts that call to mind Steely Dan's "Pretzel Logic"? One other note of importance - lawyers will no longer be allowed to run for office. Yes, I know it would go against our basic principles, but we must make this one exception if we ever hope to understand anything. Those lawyers not brilliant enough to stay in the legal profession can be retrained as crossing guards and toll booth attendants - occupations where they have only a brief period of time to bore people to death by talking.

B. Come to think of it, anything beyond fewer lawyers is just gravy.

CONTRIBUTION LIMITS: Let's face it, McCain-Feingold isn't worth the paper its written on, and we all know how important it is for any politician to have plenty of money for their multi-media election blitzkrieg. By prohibiting anyone from running for office more than 2 weeks before the election date, we'll have eliminated any need for McCain-Feingold.

How's that? Simple: No contributions allowed at all! One week before the election, everyone running for a particular office, from both parties, gets together for one big meltdown, kind of like professional wrestling, only less fake. Instead of beating each other over the head in a cage match, we make them all debate at the same time, both parties. At the end of the debate, all contestants must walk the runway in a bathing suit of their choice. Since our media is devoted to finding out every little thing any candidate has ever done since they were old enough to walk, let's get everything out in the open. Eventually, the secular progressives will want to make the bathing suit optional, at which time political debates will start to draw larger audiences than the Super Bowl.

Thus far, we've curtailed the importance of lobbyists (Law Limits);we've severely curtailed the number of lawyers, while assuring we have the smartest crossing guards in the world; we've made sure we only have to listen to political candidates for two weeks in every election cycle; we've taken away large sums of money from the coffers of CBS/NBC/ABC/Fox/CNN and every newspaper in the country, because we've eliminated the need for the incessant political commercials; we've made arrangements that will get more laws off the books and fewer laws on them, and maybe, just maybe, we've made it possible for the average citizen, who doesn't have $500 million laying around, to run for office and be heard.

All that and naked politicians - who could ask for anything more?