Guilt

"Peace visits not the guilty mind."

Juvenal (55AD - 127AD)

"Guilt is anger directed at ourselves - at what we did or did not do."

Peter McWilliams

I had a rather cathartic experience yesterday. I told my counselor that I would probably end up writing about it because that's how I obtain focus and clarity in my thoughts. I just thought I'd give you a warning before I got any further.

I realized yesterday that guilt has been one of the major factors in this "Single Episode Major Depression" I've been going through for some time now. Although there are a few issues, the major guilt was for the fact that I was not around the house a lot. Over the years I would spend 3 or 4 nights away from home for my job, and then leave Friday night to play music for the weekend, returning home on Sunday drained of energy. Although I had stopped playing full time for a year or so before Beth died, I still felt that her life may have turned out differently if I had been around more.

I denied this of course. My wonderful wife tried to get me to talk about it some time ago, but I told her I didn't think I felt guilty. The operative words being "didn't think". I denied the guilt and wouldn't let myself think about it. Subconsciously, I think guilt seemed like a responsibility; something that had to be assumed to somehow try and make up for those things I "...did or didn't do...". I didn't want to face any of it. I think deep down inside I knew that if I considered the "what if's", I would eventually come to the conclusion that "what if's" are a waste of time.

Was I just punishing myself and taking solace by shutting out almost everything in my life that mattered to me?

Did I really want to get better, or as the video I've placed under "A Little News" suggests, did the depression act like an addictive substance due to the chemical impact it has on the brain? (UCLA Studies Complicated Grief)

There's plenty of time to try and figure that out; that's not what's really important at this point.

I am in the unique position of having the same counselor that my daughter had prior to her death. He had invited my wife and I to come in and talk with him a short time after her death. I declined, but my wife went. That was a mistake.

Yesterday I learned that in her last two meetings with him, Beth had confided that she finally felt like she was learning how to be happy in life. She didn't understand why her parents had put up with so much and still loved her, but she was glad that they had stuck by her and never failed to try to help her in any way we could.

Hearing those words was like a damn bursting inside my heart. The tears flowed, as they do now, because it was as if Beth had spoken to me from beyond the grave. She was taken at one of the happiest times in her life, and she wanted me to know how much she loved me. If there was anything that needed to be forgiven, it was.

I still felt as though I needed to do one more thing. I went to her grave site last evening and sat and talked to her for a few minutes. I thanked her for being in my life for 27 years; told her how glad I was that she had finally turned the corner on being happy in herself; I thanked her for her forgiveness and told her how much I will always love her.

I have no idea what the future holds, but I think I turned a big corner yesterday.

Thanks for your help Beth - Daddy loves you.