My Inaugural Address

Let me state, unequivocally, that I am not running for President, much to the relief of the nation. With no great deal of agonizing, I decided to prepare a last minute Inaugural Address just in case the Society for Cantankerous Americans Ready to Yell (S.C.A.R.Y.) mounts a write-in campaign:

My fellow Americans:

Based upon the best advice of the commanders on the ground and the Joint Chiefs of Staff, I intend to draw down the number of troops in Iraq as soon as possible. I will heed their advice, and that of my conscience.

The troops that return will earn a well deserved rest and all the support we can give them.

I also intend to instruct our military to prepare plans to secure our southern and northern borders, in conjunction with homeland security, the governors of the states affected, and all other applicable branches of our government.

All persons now here illegally need not fear deportation, unless you are a felon, a gangbanger, drug dealer, or any similar blemish on the decency of humanity. Those of you who have crossed our borders only to provide a better living for your families will be given ample time and opportunity to become American citizens, but once our borders are secured, those trying to enter our country illegally will face immediate deportation to their country of origin. I will ask Congress to provide me with proposals for a revised immigration policy that is fair and focuses on allowing greater ease of entry to any individual who has skills that will promote the security and welfare of our country.

Similar to the project in Los Alamos that created the atom bomb, I intend to gather the best scientific and engineering minds we have in this country. They will enter a secure facility and remain there until such time as they have created an alternative energy source that eliminates our dependence on oil. I anticipate complete voluntary participation by those requested to join this effort, but do not doubt my intention to have the very best minds available, one way or another.

I am also inviting any nation that wishes to participate to send their best people as well. The facility may be secure, but the knowledge gained and the new energy source created will be shared with all those who participate, in anticipation of making this new source of energy available to every nation for the betterment of all mankind.

There is no greater threat to this nation’s economic security than our dependence on oil, and I am calling upon every American to become involved. Think of ways you can conserve energy around the house or on the job and share them. I will ask Congress to pass legislation that gives a household tax credit if you use less power in 2009 than they did in 2008. If you don’t want to participate, that will be your loss, as the program will be optional, but if a 20% drop in your taxes for a 20% drop in power usage doesn’t appeal to you, okay. I can understand that there are those of you who will feel that your power supplier sharing usage information with the government is against your right to privacy, and it’s okay to feel that way – no one is going to think you’re doing anything illegal using all that power.

We must be mindful of the time it is going to take to find our new energy source, even with the finest people in the world. Consequently, I intend to do what ever it takes to explore and tap the oil, gas and coal we have in our lands, where ever those lands may be. Mindful also of the need to protect our wilderness to every extent we can, I will appoint members of various environmental groups to participate in the planning. I also intend to explore the new technologies available with nuclear generated power.

I want all Americans to rest assured that the current tax cuts due to expire in 2010 will be made permanent. Any member of Congress who opposes this measure had best consider the needs of their constituents, lest they find themselves on the outside looking in after they fail to be re-elected. The American people are with me on this – any doubt you have about that will cost you votes.

I will ask Congress to pass legislation that provides a college education for any American who is willing to give four years of service to their country. That service may be military or civilian at the option of the college graduate. It is my intention to provide these funds by eliminating current subsidies to corporations where possible, while providing some tax credits to corporations that participate in the funding of this education initiative. This country, and every corporation in it, can only benefit from a greater pool of college graduates – it’s a “no-brainer”. If individual corporations fail to see the value of this effort and elect not to participate, I will ask Congress to apply a tax surcharge of 25% for all corporations that elect not to play along. I intend to make it very costly for those who fail to support this education initiative. Any business generating less than a million dollars in income will not be surcharged, but will be eligible for tax credits by participating.

All of these initiatives are going to take time, so what can we do in the short term to get our economy rolling?

I will ask Congress to pass legislation eliminating all federal gas taxes for the months of July and August. We are the hardest working country on the planet and this tax break will make it a little easier for all of us to spend quality vacation time with our families.

I will ask Congress to pass legislation demanding that taxes on gasoline be posted at the pump. This will be a return to the old days when we always had this info available at the pump. Once each state has to post how much they are taxing their residents for every gallon of gas, I would anticipate legislation to lower the taxes, or new legislators at the next election should they fail to do so.

I will ask Congress to pass legislation eliminating all federal income taxes, including Social Security, for the months of July and August. We only get one turn at life, and living from paycheck to paycheck is not the way most of us would prefer to live. You deserve to have more of your hard earned money in your pockets, not ours. Corporate taxes will not be eliminated during that two month period.

I will also ask Congress to pass legislation entitling every worker to 2 weeks of vacation from the starting date of their employment. We are a profit driven society, but even so, workers should have the ability to take time off, regardless of their length of service.

The health and welfare of our citizens is paramount, so I will ask Congress to pass legislation that entitles any person under the age of 21, and any person over the age of 75, access to whatever medical treatments they require, regardless of their ability to pay. Hospitals and other care facilities will receive tax credits based on the volume of patients unable to pay.

Let me recap the priorities for my first 100 days in office:

Iraq - drawing down to troops to the extent recommended by our military

Secure our borders, deport criminals and offer a path to citizenship for those who wish to become Americans

Blueprint for immigration reform from the Congress

Initiate alternative fuel source effort

Open all federal lands to exploration for oil, gas and coal while mindful of environmental concerns

Make the Bush tax cuts permanent

Eliminate federal gas taxes, income taxes and Social Security taxes for the months of July and August

Legislation to demand the posting of all taxes on gas

Vacation legislation

Guaranteed medical service for those under 21 and over 75

These ten items are not the only issues that face us; there are hundreds of other issues that need to be addressed, and they will be to every extent possible. However, I believe that by focusing on these issues, many of these additional issues will also be addressed.

We have become a polarized nation: red states vs. blue states, liberal vs. conservative, Republican vs. Democrat. This really is nothing new, but what has changed and deepened our problems is the constant, daily efforts of our media to attract viewers but focusing on those things that divide us. As a believer in the Constitution, I will never do anything that eliminates freedom of speech in this country - that is one of the dearest principles we were founded on. I leave it to the American people to decide who they watch or listen to, as I trust the American people a whole lot more than I do the media. The lost revenues and layoffs at The New York Times is ample proof that the American people know who's telling them the truth and who isn't.

I am asking all media in the United States to do two things, voluntarily:

1.) Focus more on what joins us together, not what separates us

2.) Focus more on events around the world - we Americans tend to be quite parochial and unaware of how the rest of the world lives. Knowing the generosity of the American people is unmatched anywhere in the world, greater effort to look outward, instead of inward, will go a long way towards restoring our image around the world

My fellow Americans, that's all I have to say for now; the needs of brevity must be served (compared to most Inaugural Addresses this would be considered brief) and besides, it's too damn cold on January 20th to be standing around outside, and I believe that your President should have brains enough to get in out of the cold.

Let me finish by saying that the fires under the melting pot of American society must be relit and brought to a boil. Only by becoming Americans, working together with courtesy and respect for each other, will we become the nation that indeed is a bright, shining light for freedom loving people everywhere to see.

May God Bless Each of You, and may God Bless America!

Thus ends the fiction - I await your responses, good or ill. I also invite anyone who would like to post their own Inaugural Address in the comments section to do so. It will be interesting to see the priorities of other people and the means by which they intend to address them. If you just want to tell me I'm full of it, that's okay too.

Have a great Saturday with your families!