Poetry, Pictures & More

First, let's begin with something out of the ordinary: Ogden Nash

I first came across this poem in a book edited by Issac Assimov and Janet Jeppson called "Laughing Space", but it was originally published in The New Yorker on May 22, 1948. I recently misread a statement in the "comments" section of this blog, and it reminded me of this poem - one of the few that I have actually memorized. Once you read the poem, you may begin to question exactly what goes on inside this gourd (yeah, I know, some of you have been questioning that for a long time).

The reason I was reminded of the poem is because I have used it for many years as a toast while performing. Reactions ranged from laughter to "...you are a pig!". The reason - it's one of those poems that you have to read carefully, or listen to closely.

You tell me: who was Ogden Nash reprimanding?

Stag Night Paleolithic

Drink hard to Uncle Ugg-lugg

The first heroic human

The first to eat an oyster

The first to marry a woman

God's curse on he who murmurs

As our party waxes moister

Had only he eaten the woman

Had only he married the oyster

If this is your first introduction to Ogden Nash, here's one more from him - marriage advice:

A Word to Husbands

To keep your marriage brimming

With love in the loving cup,

Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;

Whenever you’re right, shut up.

Short, pithy and to the point - my kinda guy.

PICTURES

Talk about Karma, the gentleman driving the truck below had some "Good Karma" working for him on this:

You'll note that the truck is facing in the direction of the the crushed guardrails. He had been going from right to left across the picture, hit the guardrail, became airborne, and landed opposite of the direction he had been traveling. Pretty lucky huh? Check out the last picture to see just how lucky he was!

Now that's what I call "Good Karma"!

THE MENSA INVITATIONAL

The Washington Post yearly conducts their "Mensa Invitational" where folks submit new words and their definitions. I found this in an old file, so I don't know what year these came from, but I thought most of them were pretty darn good. What's your favorite?

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido: All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

13. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

14. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the lot:

15. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ***hole. (I have a bit of a problem with this definition, as it demeans the anus, which is at least functional - as opposed to some of the people who're visiting Denver - sorry DD, I just couldn't resist!)

Hook, Line & Sinker

I've had the above photo saved for some time. I didn't know when I would ever use it, but it seems I have found the appropriate occasion. I was more than willing to believe that cell phones could pop the popcorn because of my dislike of cell phones.

I am now an official member of the Gullible Society.

My thanks to PCS for alerting me to the fact that my membership had been approved.

I have both Adobe Photoshop and Jasc Paint Shop Pro, so I am aware of some of the things you can do with pictures and video now; but since they are recent additions to the laptop I've only just begun to scratch the surface of the possibilities they provide.

The pictures below provide some idea of the possibilities:

This last image represents me trying to catch up with 21st Century technology. Urban legends aside, I guess I'll just have to pedal a little faster.

Have a great weekend!

What the Cell?

The only reason I have a cell phone is because the company pays for it. After October 31st I won't have one anymore, and I'm not sure that I'm going to run right out and buy another one after viewing the video. Just what I need, more electronic waves frying a brain that just barely made it out of the 70's.

And then there's texting. I've watched everyone else in the house do it, but I'm telling you right now, if you ever see me texting, please walk up and feel free to break a couple of fingers. Since I plan on doing a lot more guitar playing before I depart, I'm not too concerned about the offer.

My guess is that we are at the beginning of a new phase of evolution that will only become apparent hundreds of years from now. After a few generations of people who use cell phones from cradle to grave, humans will become truly telepathic and the spoken word will become obsolete. They'll also be able to fry eggs just by thinking about it.

Talk about obsolete; movie stars and TV anchor persons will no longer command any one's attention, as affinity groups form around the world. The Yahoo of the Mind. Of course the more rebellious of our offspring will find ways to join groups only to jerk some one's mental-chain.

They'll be somewhat like Commander Data from "The Next Generation" version of Star Trek, only they'll be human - kinda. I think they had an episode where the race they were visiting needed them for breeding purposes because they'd stopped having sex. They were so mental (use any definition you like) that they had lost interest in sex.

Time to do away with cell phones if that crap is gonna happen.

I Just Couldn't Help Myself

While deleting old files from "My Documents", I came across the following that was sent to me a while back, but for the life of me I can't remember who sent it. Sound familiar?

Two posts in one day is not my usual modus operandi, but I thought it was funny and I didn't want to forget about the document, much less who sent it to me. Personally, I think the picture answers the question.

Without further ado, I give you:

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? An American Response

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure - right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems. (Editor's Note: The guy may be right, but he's still a pretentious pain-in-the-ass)

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish a life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This is a new platform much more stable and will never reboot

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken? (Editor’s Note: I heard that somewhere in the 70's, may have even experienced it once or twice.)

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun? (This one is for DD & PCS)

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white. We need some black chickens.

PEE WEE HERMAN: It wasn't because I was choking it.

And with that, I bid you a pleasant evening.

Give The Man Some Credit

""My interest is in making sure we've got the kind of comprehensive energy policy that can bring down gas prices," Obama said in an interview with The Palm Beach Post.

"If, in order to get that passed, we have to compromise in terms of a careful, well thought-out drilling strategy that was carefully circumscribed to avoid significant environmental damage - I don't want to be so rigid that we can't get something done," Obama said."

You can call it a flip-flop if you want to, but I think the man is just using common political sense. You cannot continue to ignore the will of the American people and expect to be elected; a fact that remains lost on Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid.

President Bush - call these dilatory representatives of the people back into session!

Perhaps now that their standard bearer has had a revelation, others may have a change of heart also. Give them about a week to get their asses chewed out back at home, then call them back to work. The American people deserve better than elected representatives with ideologies to rigid to adapt to the will and the needs of the people.

If, per chance, they refuse to compromise, I hear there are job openings in Alaska for surveyors, and I can think of a few Senators and Congressmen I'd love to see in this situation:

This poor guy doesn't realize that the bear was driven to this rage because the damn penguins have such a goofy sense of humor - not unlike yours truly.

Remember Art Linkletter?

My daughter Carissa at a very young age.

"Art Linkletter's House Party" was originally a radio show that debuted in January of 1945. He moved over to television on CBS where the show ran from 1952 to 1969, then from December of 1969 to September of 1970 on NBC. As I've noted in the past, TV reception was limited to WWNY out of Watertown, a CBS affiliate, so Art Linkletter was a daily visitor to our household. This was a talk/variety show, and although the producers would come up with ideas for the show, Art Linkletter never worked off of a script.

The most popular feature on the show was "Kids Say The Darndest Things", where Art would ask questions of children, usually between the ages of 5 and 10. It has been a long time since I've seen the show, but the thought of just popped into my mind last evening, so I spent a few hours last night surfing the web to find what kind of darned things kids are saying today.

I looked at a variety of subjects, including science, religion, and love, etc. I ended up with about 15 pages of stuff, which I have winnowed down to items below. I hope you have as much fun reading them as I did finding them:

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife.This is called monotony.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways. (Kid could have been from Tug Hill)

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south. (I certainly never put the two together before – smart kid!)

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

Don't forget your wife's name ... That will mess up the love.

Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work. (Another genius!)

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you ...That's why I stopped doing it." (Age 10)

Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold...Other people care more about the food.

Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too.

If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long.

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.

A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

It is sometimes difficult to hear what is being said in church because the agnostics are so terrible.

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he had found a dead cat. “How do you know the cat was dead?”, asked the teacher. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT?”, exclaimed the teacher in surprise. “You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went “PSSST” and the cat didn’t move.”

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her Dad. She stands next to the barber’s chair while her Dad gets a haircut, eating a snack cake. “Sweetheart, you’re going to get hair on you Twinkie!” said the barber. The young lady replied, “Yeah, I know, and I’m gonna get boobs too!”

When your mother is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" it's best not to answer her.

If mom says "no," she means it. If dad says "no," it means maybe.

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

"Never let you Dad cut your hair if he's been drinking Utica Club." (One of my quotes based upon personal experience)

Have a great weekend and enjoy your families!

Addendum & Stuff

Lest anyone get the impression from "My Inaugural Address" that I'm ready to pull all the troops out of Iraq, let me be very specific: There's not a military commander with any sense that would advocate any immediate withdrawal of troops. There's been too much progress made to cut and run now.

For those of you who find this war, or any war, immoral, I can understand your position - I used to feel that way. The real question now is this: Do we stand by the Iraqi's until they're ready to stand on their own, or do we prepare the script for Vietnam II?

If you'll click on the title of this piece you'll be taken to an op-ed piece from the Wall Street Journal of May 1, 2008. I couldn't have said it any better myself.

STUFF

My thanks to Dave for the link, and also for all of the following. Let's just say that Dave and I have known each other for a long time and share similar philosophies - plus he's as cracked as I am, as you will see:

There are less than eight months until the general election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States. The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans. To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice.

It's time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike.

If you support the policies and character of John McCain, please drive with your headlights on during the day.

If you support Obama or Hillary, please drive with your headlights off at night.

MORE STUFF

In my never ending quest to promote civilized dialogue (heh-heh-heh), here's a picture that is perfectly capable of offending both sides of the aisle (This one's not Dave's fault):
















..and that's the way it is, Monday, May 5th, 2008...Blessings & Miracles to all.

Do You Love Your Job?

Life has kept me busy and away from blogging, much to the satisfaction of liberals everywhere. My job will have me on the road week after week over the next six months, and then retirement. I've often heard it said that if you don't love your job, you're working at the wrong job. I have no idea what my next job will be, but you can bet it will be one that I enjoy.

Enjoyment, like any attitude in life, is usually mandated by the cranial capacity of the individual, but there are times when kismet just has to pop in and say howdy.

The story below was sent to me by my wife, and I cannot attest with 100% certainty that it is true, but even if it isn't, the point is valid:

I LOVE MY JOB

Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling Brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a Jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.' Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a Jellyfish bad day?

My friends, may you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day, unless your name is Patrick and you live in Bikini Bottom. If you don't have kids, you have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, so set aside some time to become familiar with SpongeBob SquarePants - I swear he's descended from Bugs somehow.

The Penultimate Definition of PC

I must freely admit that I have blatantly taken the italicized text from another blog - my brother's. I left him a note telling him I was doing it because it was better than linking to his blog. With some of the comments of late I didn't feel it necessary to publicize his more personal blog site.

So, for those of you who don't recognize this as the penultimate definition of political correctness, I'd love to here your definitions - feel free to leave your comments.

"The following is the 2007 winning entry from an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.This year's term: Political Correctness."

'"Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."'

The creator of that definition could have any job in marketing he wanted.

Shakespeare Doesn't Live Here

Least someone think I'm well versed in the works of William Shakespeare, let me say that it was high school when last I read the bard, so now I get a "Sonnet A Day" just for S&G's. I had to read slowly; some passages more than once; but the bottom line is that men have been paying the price for our natural instincts since God kicked his kids out of the garden lo those many years ago:

Sonnet #129
Posted:
CXXIX.

The expense of spirit in a waste of shame

Is lust in action; and till action, lust

Is perjured, murderous, bloody, full of blame,

Savage, extreme, rude, cruel, not to trust,

Enjoy'd no sooner but despised straight,

Past reason hunted, and no sooner had

Past reason hated, as a swallow'd bait

On purpose laid to make the taker mad;

Mad in pursuit and in possession so;

Had, having, and in quest to have, extreme;

A bliss in proof, and proved, a very woe;

Before, a joy proposed; behind, a dream.

All this the world well knows; yet none knows well

To shun the heaven that leads men to this hell.

Ladies: Feel free to leave your opinion of this sonnet in the comments section. Don't go there yet though, let me give you something else to write about.

I would be remiss if I didn't note that we are but days away from Valentine's Day, the penultimate Hallmark holiday. For all of our anonymous atheist friends out there, yes, it was a pagan holiday usurped by the Catholic Church - but since it all worked out for the best, why not just pass on this one.

I don't know exactly what prompts me to write things like the poem that follows, and my wife warned me not to put it on-line, but it is truly a love poem...kinda...with an accompanying warning from the Surgeon General. The poem has no title because I want any man out there brave enough to send it to his wife to put his own title on it - heh, heh, heh.

I wonder if you wonder

After all that we've been through

Is his love strong enough? Deep enough?

For a lifetime meant for two

When I look to the future

You're always at my side

And my love for you

Is as strong and as deep

As your pleasantly plump, rump is wide

SURGEON GENERALS WARNING: Humor of this nature is not necessarily appreciated by all women and may be hazardous to your health. It may result in bruising, lumps, bumps, lackanookie and - God forbid - a "bobbit". Please google Lorena Bobbit for full details.

I'm gonna pay for this one.

Big time!

Lewis County & Around The World

Having had the pleasure of entertaining my 2 year old grandson until sometime after 2am before he visited the Land of Nod, I arose at 6:45am - not of my own volition. It is amazing how little sleep he needs before he's ready to rear and tear. I did have the luxury of a shower while Dominic was watched by Bailey, Diego, Katie, Dora, and Mima (only one of them walks upright).

After attending 8:15 mass with my wife, my daughter and two of my other grandchildren, we then returned home to the other two - children and grandchildren.

I thought it was time for a short vacation - even if I never left the house.

Fellow travelers in New York who have had the pleasure of driving over Rt. 177, you will immediately recognize the photo below:


Okay, it's really China, but 177 has unique driving conditions almost like no where else in the continental United States. I was kidding you about China too - its really my driveway.

The next photo could have been taken somewhere in heaven. How could there be a heaven without trees?

Now we're off to Kansas City and the coolest paint job you've ever seen on a library:

Looking at this series of four photographs of Mexico City sent thoughts racing through my mind; the predominant thought being: "God, I Love Lewis County!"

For asthetic value, the row houses below aren't bad at all; it's just the number of them, which at first seems impressive, until you get to photo #2 ...


... and you realize that being a rugged individualist at times is not all that bad. How'd you like to stagger out the door of your local mall, burdened with bundles, slapped by sleet, and whipped by the wind, and then have to try and find your car. I've been known to have logistical difficulties in WalMart parking lots for crying out loud.

Once you've located your car, snow rarely being a problem here, you can drive around town for a while, and a while, and a ......

Night time lends itself nicely to improving the look of almost anything, including me. The sad thing about that photograph is that the clouds you see, and the lights you don't see in the distance, are probably the result of smog and not a weather system. While not a proponent of Al Gore's, the need for an alternate source of energy and employing the one's we do have is imperative. That includes nuclear power, and it should also include exploring all possible reserves within and beneath our own country in my opinion, but we'll leave that for another day, I'm on my short vacation right now.

Now the picture below is obviously not a photograph, but I was there once in the 70's.

As I leave you now it is just past noon on a gray February day. When I watch my 2 year old grandson, I realize that the gray, the weather, or even the time of day are of no importance to him at all. How thankful I am that God has given me not only the grandchildren, but He also allows just a bit of that magic of youth and imagination to rub off, even if just for a while.

Have a wonderful Sunday my friends.

They Grow Fruitcakes & Peaches In Georgia

This is not an anti-socialism rant - this is just plain silly. Check out this link below that notes a bill about to be proposed by 2 Republicans and 1 Democrat:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2008/0201081fat1.html

Don't we all know someone who had damn well better be served regardless of the law? I'm not necessarily talking big and husky either - diminutive and homicidal works as well. It is by no stretch of the imagination gender-specific either.

My apologies to my friend Pat in Georgia - I know there are a lot more peaches than there are fruitcakes! (Pat-just keep the apology for future use-see addendum)

Just once, wouldn't you like to get on a motorcycle, take off your helmet, drive fast, and fail to pay income taxes?

I usually opt for a four door vehicle, seat belt, and nothing that ever draws attention to my taxes - that's because my wife does them. She tells me where to sign and I do - just like I do'd almost 30 years ago now. She's the most honest person I know - believe me she can be annoyingly honest when it comes to teaching a kid a lesson. Well, me too I guess.

One thing we can both agree on though, if you can fit your butt in through the front door of any establishment in the North Country, you'll get a chair for each cheek if necessary.

ADDENDUM: I will not change the title of the post because it will serve to prove that they grow nitwits in New York, and it will also serve as a reminder to me that if I'm going post immediately upon waking up in the morning, it would be best to remove my cranial container from the aperture of my hindquarters. The law was proposed in Mississippi, not Georgia, and I have my friend Al to thank for pointing that out to me.

The Super Bowl

Just a quick one folks. As a lifetime Giants fan, my sole hope for this Sunday is that they don't get embarrased like they did against the Ravens. I can't believe the 12 point spread - I'd take the points if I were a gambling man - but I think those points are going to drop before Sunday as the betting gets heavier.

Enough prognosticating - here's a great Super Bowl joke I got from J.R. this morning that I wanted to share with all of you football fanatics out there:

A man had tickets for the Super Bowl, right on the 50 yard line!

As he sat down, a man came down and asked him if anyone would be sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he said, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sport event in the world, and not use it?"

Somberly, the man replied, "Well...the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at the funeral."

Now that's a fan

God's Sense of Humor

It has occurred to me of late that for the most part, those of us who believe in God tend to view Him with reverence; we fear His retribution (with a tip of the hat to Garrison Keillor & Prairie Home Companion - gotta love those Minnesota Lutherans); we ask for His guidance; we offer up prayer in supplication - but we never seem to give Him credit for His sense of humor.

Though I am adamant about maintaining an open forum here, I must request that for the effort upon which we are about to embark that all atheists refrain from comment. You don't believe in Him, so it almost goes without saying that assigning a sense of humor to someone you don't believe exists is a rather fruitless exercise for you.

I encourage those of you who read this to share your thoughts on God's sense of humor.

Personally, I'd have to start with Mel Brooks. He may not believe in Jesus Christ, and his takeoff on the Inquisition is scandalous (funnier than hell though), but if God didn't have a sense of humor, would He let the Jews have Mel Brooks and give us CarrotTop?

Baldness - now that's funny. Only because I still have most of my hair and my brother Joe doesn't. It doesn't make up for the fact that he whoops my butt every time we hit a golf course, and it is only a matter of genetics - but it should remain a viable source of irritation for him until I progress further down Hairless Lane.

Pugs.

Being the proud owner of said species of canine, I can attest to the fact that they are indeed ugly, and to make matters worse, the damn things snore - at least ours does. The joke is that He made people that actually love these things. I am one of those people, but I want it known that I was dragged there, kicking and screaming all the way. We just got an Australian Cattle Dog a few weeks ago, a puppy, and she makes #4 - I'll let you know how that works out after she learns about outside latrine duty and I get the dog crap out from between my toes.

So to recap, my first three selections that prove God has a sense of humor:

1.) Mel Brooks
2.) Baldness
3.) Pugs

I hope you'll take a few minutes and share your thoughts, as I'm sure there are as many ways to show God's sense of humor as there are stars in the heavens.

Poetry

In my never ending effort to bring something a little different to the blog, I recently received this beautiful poem about winter from my friend Heather G. I hope you find it as succinct and appropriate as I did:

Winter

A Poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

Shit - it's cold!

Okay, its not all that cold today and its supposed to be in the 50's by Tuesday, but this is Northern New York, so don't put away the longjohns just yet.

Now this next item is not poetry, unless you happen to be on the receiving end of unattended children, in which case it not only qualifies as poetry, it should also be considered as an ammendment to the constitution:

I'd be willing to throw in a kitty with litter box as well.

Animals: The Good-The Bad-The Fugly

THE GOOD

Daisy is the latest addition to the menagerie here, bringing the total to 3 dogs and 2 cats. She's been with us almost four months now, but still has a lot of kitten in her growing feline form. I had been doing laundry most of the day, used the final dryer sheet, and was awaiting the return of my wife to dry the final load of the day. I left the door to the front loading dryer open, ready to just toss in a couple of sheets, close the door and start the clothes drying.

After the usual hubbub had settled from the unloading and packing away of a week's worth of groceries, I grabbed the dryer sheets, tossed a couple in the open door, closed the door and started the dryer up.

I heard a thumping sound that reminded me of sneakers, or maybe boots left in a dryer. My grandson had been outside playing in the snow earlier, so I suspected he had tossed his boots right in without caring what else was in there.

I stopped the dryer and opened the door. That darn cat literally flew out of that dryer so fast that he was out of the dryer and out of the room before my butt hit the floor. Startled but not all that surprised - knowing how cats like to hide away - I sat there and just laughed my fool head off.

Driving Miss Daisy in deed.

THE BAD

And now, a couple of more animal related stories, starting with a salute to my brother Joe. He worked in Wrangle, Alaska for over a year, helping to bring a major power line through. While traveling the wilder portions of the line, he carried a pistol with him in case he happened to run into a bear. Had he been aware of the bear below, he would have immediately recognized the fact that he would have been better off slapping a C.O.D. sticker on his body and hoping there was enough left to ship home.



This gentleman, a member of the U.S. Forest Service, was out hunting deer when he encountered this behemoth. Coming in a just over 1,600 pounds, standing 12'6" at the shoulder and 14' at the head, this lucky gentlemen emptied his 7mm Magnum, semi-automatic rifle into the grizzly, dropping it a few feet from him. Still alive, he then finished him off with his pistol.

The remains of two humans were found inside the bear, and after backtracking, they located one of the bodies and an emptied .38 caliber pistol nearby. The second body was never located.

Reminds me of the atheist walking in the woods who encountered such a bear. He dropped to his knees and screamed "Oh my God!".

At those words, time stood still, bright light encompassed him, and the atheist heard a voice say to him:

"You have denied my existence all these years; you've taught others that I don't exist and have gone so far as to credit the existence of the universe to cosmic chance - so now I am to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Bless us oh Lord, and these thy gifts, which we are about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen." (Thanks JR - I enjoyed that one!)

THE FUGLY

The Naked Mole-Rat exists and can be found in Africa. Based upon the picture below, I can only hope that God does not have any odd reincarnation plans for me. As for the inevitable comparisons between the Naked Mole-Rat and yours truly, I have been called a dick from time to time, but I do not have buck teeth thank you very much.

Sleeping, Thunder Jugs & Phone Sex

If I could hold conversations with Abraham Lincoln and a talking hedgehog, and maybe learn a little sign language for the guy in the deep-sea diving outfit, I probably would have to use the product they are hawking on a daily basis just to shut up the hedgehog. Or maybe Lincoln first. Lincoln should sound like the "Savior of the Union", but he comes off more like a psychiatrist trying to talk down a jumper. If you are unfamiliar with this TV commercial - well, just keep going.

Who needs to remember dreams anymore. With the proper sleep aid, REM can come and go and no one will notice. Just like the band. If you are unfamiliar with either dreams, or the band REM, or what REM Sleep is - well, just keep going.

Sleeping is an art form that is best learned and practiced by the young. Due to gravity and the distension of aging internal organs, unless one refrains from liquids from 5pm on, the night becomes a stumbling, bleary eyed procession of relief. I have come to realize that in some respects, we have regressed from the common sense approach to life our ancestors practiced.

My wife and I visited the battlefield at Sackett's Harbor today along with a grandson and nephew. In this early morning tour of the Commandant's Home curiosity was aroused by the appearance of this pristine, white pot, with cover, that was placed on the floor, next to the Commandant's bed. I am proud to say that both children are now familiar with the concept of a chamberpot, or "thunder jug", as it was often called in the 19th Century and points prior.

It brought to mind the conversation I had with my son just before he left for college. We had asked if his phone number was going to be the same, since he was in the same "quad", or whatever they call their grouping of rooms. As it turns out, he didn't know because he was slated to get a different room within the "quad". I jokingly said that since they shared a common area as roommates, they should share a "party line" for their phone.

"What's a party line?"

If I needed any further confirmation of the fact that somethings can become ancient within the space of 56 years, I had just received it in the form of a question.

For those uninitiated in the use and protocols of a party line, let me explain.

First, there was one phone. Not per room, not per level - one phone and it hung in between the kitchen and the living room. I have a couple of photos where you can see the phone. It didn't get around much, and there just weren't that many pictures taken with that background. The phone hung on the wall. I'm not talking about some little, black, plastic number, I'm talking about Mayberry RFD wooden receiver, complete with the piece you put to your ear whilst you speak into the big old phone itself.

This was soon replaced by the little, black, plastic number. I may have used the Mayberry model, but I only remember it because of the photos. But it was still the only phone, right in the middle of life where Mom, Dad and five other brothers and sisters often took as much interest in your phone conversations as you did.

Or as much interest as some of the neighbors. When you did finally manage to get your turn on the line, stuff, as they say, would happen. It would range from the blatant: "Will you kids please get off the line so someone else can make a call!", to the subtle "click" when one would try to join in the listening end of the conversation unannounced.

If there was phone sex on the party lines of the 1950's, it was beyond my capacity to recognize, and way beyond what people of that era would have done. At least in Lewis County, I don't know about Jefferson.

And that, dear reader, concludes our journey from sleeping aid commercial, back through the valley of "thunder jugs", across the wires of the "party line", having at last arrived, back in the 21st Century where phone sex is old hat.

What's the point you may ask?

If you're male, get a chamber pot and use it. It will make sleeping much less stressful and is certain to, pardon the phrase, "piss off" those who require a different position.

Oh, and if the phone rings in the middle of the night, let the answering machine get it - it could be someone from Jefferson County.